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Significant Incident Report #1: The Basket*

*Being a satirical recounting of (at least partially) true events occurring in a rapidly-growing mountain town during the unprecedented year of 2022.

Around here we call this kind of basket a Kootenay carry-on. Yeah, it does fit everything, and I mean everything. If you need it, I probably have it in here. A lot of locals have them.

I want to talk to you about what happened this morning. I was walking down the hill from our house to the studio. I live on a street not far from downtown. It’s really steep, and these days just wide enough for one car to pass by. There are super high snowbanks on either side.

I’m walking down with my basket a car comes barrelling down the hill and I have to climb up onto the snowbank to get out of the way, there wasn’t time to get to one of the driveways.

No, there’s no sidewalk. I mean, there is a sidewalk and all the neighbours try to keep it shoveled out, but then the plough keeps covering it over again and after a while we give up.

Where was I going? Oh, I was heading to my studio which is in a rental house that we also own, one block away. You heard me about the snowbanks, right? The city should really get on that. It’s not safe.

I had to climb up onto the snowbank and then back down and when my foot hit the street again, I slid on the ice that’s under the snow. By the time I got to the studio my boots were full of snow and my pant legs were soaked.

No, that’s not what I wanted to tell you about. Are you in a hurry or something? Okay, okay, I’ll get to the point. The significant incident is this:

In all that clambering onto the snowbank and down again and then slipping and landing on my butt, the tiffin in my basket leaked chia cereal all over the place.

What do you mean you don’t understand that sentence?

A tiffin? It’s a stainless steel container? With different levels? Mine had chia seeds soaking in almond milk at the bottom. (I know I should have switched to oat milk by now, because of the climate. I know that. But I just don’t like the taste as much. And I feel like I should make my own oat milk, it’s just oats soaked in water, and I don’t have time for all of that. I have creative work to do. Just, the chia seeds were soaking in almond milk, okay?)

Chia seeds? They’re these seeds, maybe from Peru? Super high in fibre. A superfood. I get the organic ones from the Coop.

I started using the tiffin a while back, to get away from the hormones in plastics, you know? But I’ve never really understood how those little metal clips are supposed to keep things sealed. This one tiffin cost over thirty dollars, so I guess I expected more from it.

Here. I wrote a list of all the items in my basket. A lot of them are beyond repair now:

Organic lavender hand sanitizer (Can no longer read the label.)
A brand new spool of fuchsia-coloured thread (Ruined.)
A zippered pouch made of ladybug fabric containing organic ginger tea bags (Both the pouch and tea bags are ruined.)
A bottle of Advil liquid gels (I don’t normally take this kind of thing. Honest. It’s just that I had my booster a few days ago. So, just in case I get a headache.)
A purple pen and Midliner highlighter pen (Both fine after being wiped clean.)
A Tupperware container of lamb soup for my lunch (Undamaged, but yes, plastic and no doubt off-gasssing volatile organic compounds into my food, I know, I know. But at least it stayed sealed.)
A pair of Apple ear buds. The kind with the soft ends that they don’t make anymore. (Ruined and can’t be replaced.)
One N95 mask (Ruined. And these are really hard to come by, you know?)
A package of dental floss (Ruined. What do you mean, why? Don’t you floss?)
One purple leather wallet (Ruined, but probably needed to be replaced anyway.)

What do I want you to do about it? Well I want to file a complaint. I mean, of course I do. And is there a way to get damages? A lot of that stuff was organic.

The city should be cleaning up those snowbanks. And there are people who don’t even live on our street using it all the time as a shortcut to get downtown. They shouldn’t be allowed to do that. It’s not right.

They shouldn’t let just anyone drive on our street.

*Being a satirical recounting of (at least partially) true events occurring in a rapidly-growing mountain town during the unprecedented year of 2022.

4 thoughts on “Significant Incident Report #1: The Basket*”

  1. Pingback: I Took A Year Off Writing Novels. – Beyond Word Count

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